House Republicans suggest we just pay people with hunks of bread and vacant smiles
"How else can we show support for our job creators?"
Yesterday, State Rep. Liz Pike (R-Clairol) introduced House Bill $1.99, which would establish a sub-minimum-wage "training wage," allowing employers to pay workers with "whatever bits of lint and scrap they might have in their pockets or the car door handle of their Lexus."
Pike described the bill as "Something young workers should be thankful for. We could have introduced a bill requiring workers to pay employers for the privilege of being in the presence of their successful successyness. But no. We're looking out for the little people."
The bill was met with some opposition during yesterday's hearing. Unfortunately, most of the opposition's testimony could not be heard over the growling of their empty stomachs and the cries of children who only want to remain warm and, occasionally, see their parents who have to work three jobs 100 hours a week just to pay the rent.
"Everyone knows," said Pike, "that minimum-wage workers are young and unskilled high-school kids who live at home with their parents. And that everyone who doesn't fit that convenient definition is simply too lazy to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and find another job."
When it was pointed out to Pike that, in fact, the majority of low-wage workers are in their late 20s and have families, and that in order to have bootstraps one must be able to afford boots, she shrugged.
"Well, I guess I really wouldn't know," she said. "My nanny has been doing my shopping for years."
After contentious debate, House Democrats suggested to Pike that if she truly considers this bill to be promoting a "training" wage for "young" people, it would be beneficial for her to write in an age minimum and some requirements for the employer to actually train a worker.
Pike scowled. "These kinds of unreasonable requests are why we have gridlock, you know."