County commissioners ban newspapers, Internet from all county buildings because reading about the county's leadership failures is "bad for employee morale"
In a bold move this week, county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore announced that the county will cease its subscriptions to The Columbian newspaper and ban all external Internet access in all county-operated buildings.
"These 'news' sources," said Madore, "are not reporting things the way I see them. It's not just upsetting to me, but it's upsetting our staff. They see these stories that paint the heroes (myself and Tom, of course) as villains, and it confuses them. They don't know what to think."
Madore pushed out his chest and tried to look righteous. "Employee morale at the county is at an all-time low. Why could that be? I think it's pretty clear that everything was fine until people started reporting what we're doing."
He looked proudly off into the distance. "And there's only one way to fix it," he said. "We've got to stop employees from reading other opinions besides mine."
"This is insane," said a county employee who had recently announced his retirement and so had slightly more protection from retribution. "You're seriously saying that because people out there are factually reporting what you do here every day, you're going to try to stop the Internet?"
Madore smiled hollowly. "No, Ralph," he said through clenched teeth. "I'm going to try to protect our good citizens and employees from the evils of those who would contradict me. It's totally different."
Ralph squinted. "What?"
"I think I made myself clear, Ralph," said Madore. "Oh, and by the way. I know you announced your retirement. Have you gotten your benefits all straightened out? It's be a shame if something went wrong for you on those."
As Ralph sunk into his chair, Madore continued. "This has worked beautifully for us at US Digital. Our employees don't need outside information when they get everything they need on the inside! Our daily Go(o)d News Newsletter includes all the key things they need to know about how successful our company is, and it also has a fun, faith-based word search and daily recipe! Now that's the kind of news I want our employees here at the county to see!"