County staff, citizens hold administrator hostage and refuse to allow him to retire
Yesterday's reception to honor the careeer and service of Clark County Administrator Bill Barron took a turn for the worse when all 200 people in attendance barricaded the doors and told Barron he'd "Better get comfortable, because you're not going anywhere."
Barron announced his retirement from the county earlier this year when he realized "There are only two things you get when you try to sweep dirt uphill: tired arms, and more dirt."
After 15 years of service to Clark County and an impressive array of accomplishments, county staff and community members turned out by the dozens to thank Barron for his work and honor his tenure at the county. After an hour of speeches, remembrances, and gifts, County Commissioner Steve Stuart went in for a bear hug and gripped Barron tightly.
"I'm sorry to have to do it this way, buddy," Stuart whispered in Barron's ear.
Barron tilted his head and opened his mouth to question Stuart. But before he could speak, Stuart lifted him into a rolling desk chair and held him in place while administrative staffers duct-taped his chest and arms in place.
Other staffers and concerned citizens formed a barricade at the doors to the commissioners' hearing room, where the reception was being held. Men and women young and old rushed to pile chairs, desks and tables in front of the doors, preventing anyone from entering or exiting.
"We can't let you go, buddy," said Stuart. "You're the only thing keeping us afloat here right now."
Stuart's fellow commissioners, motion-control enthusiast David Madore and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke, stgepped forward to protest.
"Now, I think we'll be fine," said Madore. "After all, I'm here now, and--"
Stuart held up his hand to cut off Madore, snapped his fingers, and pointed at the administrative assistant holding a roll of duct tape. "Take care of that," he said, and turned back to Barron.
Staffers approached Madore and Mielke, taped over their mouths, then wrapped them together nose-to-nose. Stuart smiled apologetically at Barron.
"I know we should have done this sooner, Bill," said Stuart. "But as you can see, when we don't have you in the lead, our planning just falls to shit."
Barron grimaced and looked over at his wife, who had also been secured to a chair. "I don't understand..."
"OK, look," said Stuart. "We need you here. This whole reception was actually just a ploy to get you, your wife, and your kids all in the same room, so we could pull this off. Now that you're here, we can't let you go."
"But I'm supposed to be moving to Boise in a week!" said Barron.
"Yeah," said Stuart. "That plan has changed."
Instead, he went on, Barron would be living "Here. At the county building. With us."
Barron shook his head as if to try to erase the thought. "But--"
"It's no big deal, Bill," said Stuart. You got your wife, you got your kids. And we ordered extra lemonade and cake, so we can all eat that for days."
Barron began to weep. "I was so close..."
"It'll be easier for everyone if you just go along with it, buddy," said Stuart. "I've got the county planning staff guarding the doors here, and Parks and Rec staffers are outside ready to back them up. It is a known fact that you do not want those people going all Misery on you."