County Commissioner insists that local owner may not close local KFCs without advisory vote from every KFC customer
Hearing the news that local KFC franchise-owner Scott Dickinson intends to sell or close his handful of local Kentucky Fried Chicken "restaurants," county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore leapt into action.
"Our citizens demand information and transparency," said Madore. "We can't have people making important decisions like this without a vote -- or, at least, a survey of every individual who has ever patronized one of these KFC locations."
"But--" said Dickinson, "I already did my research. People have more options now, and they don't want my greasy, factory-farmed, antibiotic-resistant chicken anymore. I'm losing money, and it's time to move on."
Madore cleared his throat. "I don't think you understand, Scott," he said. "You did that research before I became a county commissioner. So it means nothing to me. If I haven't explicitly directed the information-gathering, then how can I trust it will get me the results I want?"
"But I'm an independent business owner," said Dickinson. "Not only is your logic completely ridiculous, but I don't even report to you! You have no say over whether or not I sell!"
"Actually, Scott," said Madore, "That's where you're mistaken. I was elected by the people to represent them. So I would be failing in my commitment and pledge to my supporters if I allowed you to close your stores without consulting each one of them directly."
Dickinson stared at Madore and blinked, momentarily stunned. "What?" he asked.
"You heard me," said Madore.
"Yes, I heard you. But I'm trying to parse what you just said and make it make sense to a rational person. And I have to admit, David, I'm coming up blank."
"That's why I'm the commissioner and you're not," said Madore.
"I'm so confused," Dickinson muttered.
Madore peered carefully from side to side to make sure no one else was looking, then he lowered his voice and leaned in close to Dickinson.
"OK, look," said Madore. "It's like this. Since Don Benton got the news that you're closing, he's been locked in his office, sobbing. He opened up the air duct and his cries are echoing through the entire county building."
He grabbed Dickinson by the collar and stared into his eyes. "We can't go on like this," Madore said through clenched teeth. Do you know how hard it is to smile like nothing bothers you when all you can hear is the sound of an ostensibly grown man weeping like a child?"
Dickinson gently pried Madore's fingers off of his shirt and backed away. "It's just chicken, you guys," he said. "This has me concerned for so many more reasons than anything you just listed."