Monday, March 4, 2013

Monday, March 4, 2013

State Rep. doubles down on fake science,
inspires new TV game show

"The science is perfectly clear. I mean, I haven't consulted any science, but I don't see why that should concern you."

"Right now," said Orcutt, "this water here behind me pays NO taxes. None! But every day it erodes a little  bit more of that rock, it washes away little tiny bits of dirt, and NO ONE is making it pay for that!"

Shortly after announcing his support for a bicycle tax because a cyclist's increased heartrate and respiration create CO2 and thus pollute the environment, Representative Ed Orcutt (R-20) rolled out an extensive list of taxes and tax breaks he would support in order "to make the world a better place."

"It's appalling to me that we would want to increase taxes on cigarette smokers," Orcutt said. "Think about it! Everyone knows that you strengthen your muscles by working them, by pushing them. And frankly, I don't know of anything that makes a heart work harder than a pack-a-day habit. These people are doing their part to be healthier, to live longer lives by exercising their heart muscles, and you want to tax them? It's insane! I say, tax cuts for the smokers, and especially for the tobacco companies that allow them to do this great work!"

On the flip side, people who grow most of their own food and eat largely plant-based diets with an emphasis on organics "are essentially terrorsists against the American economy," he said. "Think about it! We have hardworking farmers and farm-based corporations that exist to sell food to us. Who are we to question what they put into it? It's not only rude, it's downright dangerous. I say, we increase taxes on indpendently-grown, organic food, and institute a per-plant tax on any household that has the audacity to have a backyard garden. I've seen all those piles of tomatoes and squash people bring in to the office in late summer. And every single one of those is an attack on the Amercian economy."

Within 24 hours of making his pronouncements, Orcutt drew the attention of comedian and TV game show host Jeff Foxworthy. "Sounds to me," said Foxworthy, "like I've got a new gameshow to put together. What do you think of Are You Smarter than a State Legislator?"

"Sounds fine to me," said one survey respondent. "But are you going to have enough cash and prizes for when every single contestant wins?"

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