Liz Pike to make schools safer by arming Kindergartners
Demands funding to turn cafeterias into dedicated armories
the first day of the new legislative session, Representative Liz Pike
blasted away her colleagues by ramming through new legislation that will
arm every kindergarten class in the state of Washington.
Pike, “As the great Frenchman Wayne LaPierre once said, the only thing
that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And how can
you look at our children and say they’re not the good guys?”
the smoke even cleared from recent school shooting tragedies, Pike set
her sights on the gun violence target and shot from the hip with a
discussion of how to most effectively treat symptoms while doing
absolutely nothing to focus on a cure.
“It’s kind of my strong suit,” she said to a TV interviewer when she thought the cameras were still on.
had initially been considering legislation to arm teachers, but she
received strong pushback from educators, who argued that teachers
already have enough to do. Like, you know, teach.
first, said Pike, she was going to fight back. “I mean, what do those
teachers know about teaching? It’s a pretty weak argument, if you ask
me.” But then, she said, she realized that she could just wipe out the
Pike, “If kids had guns and knew how to use them, schools would be
safer. Ipso facto, ergo sum. And they’ve already got a head start
learning to use them, with all of those violent video games that we
refuse to regulate or otherwise control and yet conveniently blame
whenever we’re trying to to deflect attention from our own failings as
Pike’s plan, Kindergarteners will be armed at the beginning of every
school year. “It allows us to phase it in slowly,” she said, “and those
kids can then pack their weapons every year for the rest of their time
considered starting with older kids, who have a more reliable grasp on
hand-eye coordination, but “Let’s be real,” she said. “Most of those
kids are already armed, anyway.”
how this change would impact the school system’s ability to deliver on
its actual mission of educating children, Pike shrugged. “So now they
have range time instead of nap time. No biggie.”
have indicated that Pike’s bill will also have a measurable impact on
the school bullying epidemic, though what kind of an impact remains to
But it’ll definitely put a different spin on afterschool games of Smear the Queer.