Monday, January 14, 2013

Liz Pike to make schools safer by arming Kindergartners
Demands funding to turn cafeterias into dedicated armories





On the first day of the new legislative session, Representative Liz Pike blasted away her colleagues by ramming through new legislation that will arm every kindergarten class in the state of Washington.

Said Pike, “As the great Frenchman Wayne LaPierre once said, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And how can you look at our children and say they’re not the good guys?”

Before the smoke even cleared from recent school shooting tragedies, Pike set her sights on the gun violence target and shot from the hip with a discussion of how to most effectively treat symptoms while doing absolutely nothing to focus on a cure.

“It’s kind of my strong suit,” she said to a TV interviewer when she thought the cameras were still on.

Pike had initially been considering legislation to arm teachers, but she received strong pushback from educators, who argued that teachers already have enough to do. Like, you know, teach.

At first, said Pike, she was going to fight back. “I mean, what do those teachers know about teaching? It’s a pretty weak argument, if you ask me.” But then, she said, she realized that she could just wipe out the middleman.

Said Pike, “If kids had guns and knew how to use them, schools would be safer. Ipso facto, ergo sum. And they’ve already got a head start learning to use them, with all of those violent video games that we refuse to regulate or otherwise control and yet conveniently blame whenever we’re trying to to deflect attention from our own failings as responsible adults.”

Under Pike’s plan, Kindergarteners will be armed at the beginning of every school year. “It allows us to phase it in slowly,” she said, “and those kids can then pack their weapons every year for the rest of their time in school.”

She’d considered starting with older kids, who have a more reliable grasp on hand-eye coordination, but “Let’s be real,” she said. “Most of those kids are already armed, anyway.”

Asked how this change would impact the school system’s ability to deliver on its actual mission of educating children, Pike shrugged. “So now they have range time instead of nap time. No biggie.”

Supporters have indicated that Pike’s bill will also have a measurable impact on the school bullying epidemic, though what kind of an impact remains to be seen.

But it’ll definitely put a different spin on afterschool games of Smear the Queer.