Friday, December 31, 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

Vantucky Police Blotter: Best of 2010


Top 10 "news" stories of 2010?   Yawn.

Sure, we're happy for the Columbian and the Voice that they gave themselves yet another chance to run huge pictures of Acid Girl in lieu of any real journalistic effort.

But if you want to look at what makes the 'Couve, the 'Couve, look no further than the Vantucky police blotter.

Here are the 2010 stories that kept Vantucky's banjos a-twangin'.


10. Vancouver Man Moves to Chicago, Takes Meth Lab with Him

Joseph Andrew Hoffman, 25, passed out in a Chicago cab while carrying half a mil in illegal drugs. When the cabbie couldn't wake him to get his fare, he took Hoffman to the police. Although the cops never got the cabbie his money, they did find a cornucopia of drugs and paraphernalia.

To Joseph Hoffman, for proving you can take the boy out of his rural meth lab but you can't take the rural meth lab out of the boy, this one's for you.


9. Man Hits Cow on I-5

A Kelso man was sent to the hospital after hitting a cow that was wandering the center lane of I-5 near Ridgefield. He'll be fine, but his car was totalled. Not only that, but once they put down the cow, he had no one else to blame, or sue, for his inability to avoid a cow in the middle of an open road.

8. Woman Arrested for DUI Twice in Three Days

Battle Ground resident Deette S. Rude makes the list for sheer persistence ... and a great police blotter name. Just hours after posting bail for driving on drugs and crashing, Rude was arrested again for driving on drugs and crashing. With this kind of insistence on returning, we can only assume the county jail has a killer pharmaceutical plan.


7. Former Congressional Candidate Allegedly Beats Wife, Writes Alleged Children's Book

A hearty thank-you to failed congressional candidate and teabagger extraordinaire David Hedrick, for making our holiday season bright. When you told Congressman Brian Baird to stay away from your family, we didn't realize it was because they already had their hands full with you.


6. Sheriff's Deputy Almost Run Over by Own Patrol Car

The deputy followed acar on a chase through Hazel Dell, finally stopped them, and was then surprised by the passenger -- who leapt out of the car, hopped into the deputy's patrol car, and tried to run him down. The deputy got in a parting shot, but wasn't able to stop the bandit.

“You can’t plan for something like this to happen," said a department spokesman.

We bet they're going to try to now, though.


5. Man Shows Off New Gun, Accidentally Shoots Self in Head

In Vancouver, gun control and education are for pussies.


4. Washougal Zip Line Guy Just Won't Fucking Quit

Derek Hoyte went to jail last year over his zip line rides through the federally protected Columbia River Gorge. But apparently he just couldn't get enough. After taking down his zip lines, he went ahead and put them back up -- and  to give the Feds a little extra fuck-you, he also started building an illegal suspension bridge. Take THAT, Johnny Law!


3. Man Blows Off Own Fingers with Fireworks

At least this time it was close to July Fourth. It's a lot harder explain during the rest of the year.


2. Burglar Caught Using Bike He Stole as Getaway Vehicle

Harold Jack Akey, another winner in the best-blotter-names roundup, is accused of burglarizing two Vancouver homes, realizing he had no escape plan, stealing a fancy road bike, and then being surprised when he was stopped for riding a stolen bike while carrying a large, stuffed-to-capacity duffel bag.

1. Skyview, Heritage Teachers Busted for Making It with Minors

Molesters at Fort Vancouver and Union share sighs of relief.

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