Friday, March 21, 2014

Friday, March 21, 2014

City of Vancouver weighs new "Virtual Horse Manure" fee to offset increased costs incurred by county leadership

Shortly after public trough enthusiast Don Benton announced his intent to commit extortion in the name of a balanced budget, he received a tough dose of his own medicine.

Claiming the need to raise local fees in order to pay off a costly Clean Water Act settlement, Benton targeted the county's only daily newspaper by threatening a specific, targeted, and transparently retributional $150,000 tax.

"If that paper insists on printing things that make me look bad," said Benton, "then I will insist on making it impossible for them to do business."

When it was pointed out to Benton that the county does not have the authority to impose a "litter tax," nor does it have the right to target individual businesses that operate under a different jurisdiction, in this case the City of Vancouver, he snorted. "I don't think you know who you're talking to."

"Oh but we do," said the entire Vancouver City Council in unison. "We hear you loud and clear."

The Vancouver City Council, while split on many issues and still trying to determine its identity in the wake of recent election-year turnover, was unanimous on one point.

"We need to strengthen our noise pollution ordinances around here," said Mayor Tim Leavitt. "Specifically in the area near the courthouse and county building. If it smelled as bad as it sounds over there, no one would be able to even walk down that block without strapping on a pair of hip waders."

The other six members of council agreed and immediately passed a noise ordinance covering the four-block area that encompasses the county's primary operations complex.

"We want to be sure we only go for those polluters who already have tracking systems in place and who contribute a large amount of waste," said Leavitt. "It's pretty well-documented that a major load is dropped every time Don Benton opens his mouth. So that's where we're going to start."


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thursday, March 20, 2014

"Impertinent questions" and "Free medical advice" top list of commissioners' greatest concerns about new commissioner candidates

In just a couple of weeks, motion-control enthusiast David Madore and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke will have a tough choice to make: do they, or do they not, select a woman to be their next colleague on the Clark County Board of Commissioners?

It's well-known that neither commissioner has much love for front-runner and Glory Days enthusiast Craig Pridemore, but book-makers across the county are calling him the odds-on favorite. If for no other reason than that Madore and Mielke have grave concerns about sharing the dais with a girl.

During yesterday's Board Time meeting, Mielke worried a folded-up piece of paper between his thumb and forefinger. It dropped from his hand as he left the room, and an eagle-eyed staffer picked it up. It turned out to be a well-worn page from a 1945 Men's Manual he'd been given as a youngster. The edges of the page were dog-eared, and many notes and annotations covered the back of the page.

"Sparkplugs," said one note in the margin. "Shameless impertinence," said another.

Since one of the women in the running is our fearless leader here at Daily 'Couve HQ, we asked her for comment.

"My shameless impertinence is pretty well-documented," she said while getting her nails done and answering phones. "But I resent the implication that my desk manners are anything short of the highest order."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

County changes paper of record from Columbian to first page of Madore's pocket Bible

In a bold move yesterday, Clark County commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore led a vote to change Clark County's paper of record from the daily Columbian to a piece of paper he promises to tuck into the front cover of his pocket Bible.

When Madore made the motion, he was clear about wanting to leave the Columbian -- but he did not seem to realize that this meant he'd have to pick something else to replace it.

The county must provide legal notices in a publication with countywide circulation. The Columbian is the local paper that best meets this qualification. However, since it is also the paper that most frequently commits acts of journalism, Madore and Mielke have grave concerns about continuing to support its nefarious mission.

"I cannot justify paying to place advertisements in a publication whose management does not bend to my will," said Madore. "This is not the kind of democracy I paid for."

When county legal counsel advised Madore that the county has a responsibility to print legal notices, Madore scoffed. "You do know that I write daily Facebook posts that tell people what's happening in our county, don't you?"

Legal counsel nodded stiffly and replied that, yes, many people are aware of his Facebook posts, but that those posts, as brilliant and freshly worded as they are, do not meet the need for legal notice.

Madore pursed his lips and memorized the staffer's name so he could add it to his "to fire" list.

Mielke snorted awake from a nap and asked if it was time to go to lunch yet.

"Fine," said Madore. "So we need to place legal announcements in something that has countywide circulation. You know, I go all over this county. I'm a county guy. I just love counties. So why don't I just make a note on a piece of paper and carry it with me wherever I go?"

Legal counsel stared at Madore and tried to determine whether or not he was joking. "Are you joking?" he asked.

"I don't joke," Madore replied. "I will write down the legal notices every day, tuck them into the front cover of my pocket Bible, and carry them with me wherever I go."

"But then, in order to see the notice, people will not only have to talk with you individually, they will also have to look at your Bible with you."

Madore paused to consider this statement, and realized that there are only so many hours in a day.

"You're right," he said. "There's no way I can reach all of those constituents."

So he made a friendly amendment to his own motion. "Let's also add, in addition to my personal Bible, all Christian church bulletins in the county. Those are inexpensive, and they reach a wide audience."

Legal counsel grimaced. "But that leaves out anyone who doesn't go to church, sir."

Madore stared and blinked. "And?"

Counsel sighed. "Really? You're really going to make me have this conversation?"

"There's no conversation to be had," Madore replied. "You should have realized by now that this isn't a dialogue."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday, March 7, 2014

Commissioner promises constituents a new East County bridge made of unicorn dust and angel wings

At Thursday's State of the County address, county commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore grabbed the microphone and beamed a broad smile at the assembled county employees who were forced to be there.

"We will have a new East County bridge within five years," Madore said.

"I've got it designed, engineered, and ready to go. Sure, I haven't actually talked with anyone else about it. And yes, there's the fact that my toothpick model is neither to scale nor entirely structurally sound even at this small size. But I'm positive that if we all just pray really hard, God will help us make this happen."

Reached for comment, the Mayor of Gresham Shane Bemis furrowed his brow. "He's gonna need a lot more than prayer to land a bridge that we don't want here," said Bemis.

Camas Mayor Scott Higgins concurred. "Without the support of all the involved stakeholders, I'm pretty sure Mr. Madore's project is going to be less bridge and more.... ramp."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thursday, March 6, 2014

County passes emergency resolution to give nude dancing a deep, thorough, penetrating examination
Rejects permit application for new strip club, "Open for Business"

In the latest scintillating chapter of Clark County's commitment to helping businesses thrive, the board of county commissioners yesterday issued an emergency moratorium on strip clubs.

"I'm a jobs guy," said commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore. "I just love jobs. I love helping businesses thrive. I love free enterprise."

Some enterprises, however, are "Maybe just a little freer than I'm prepared to love." he said.

Commissioners admitted that banning strip clubs runs counter to their often-repeated commitment to the creation of any jobs at any cost.

"I guess we just want to be careful," said commissioner and beard model Steve Stuart. "There are lots of different kinds of jobs in those establishments, and some cost more than others.

"This is going to need an exhaustive and penetrating review," he finished.

Unlike the other two commissioners, revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke was less worried about jobs and more concerned about the safety of the people dancing in the strip clubs.

"This can be kind of dangerous work," he said. "I'm gonna be a little bit brave here and say I think if we DO allow these kinds of businesses, we require all of the employees to carry guns."

Legal counsel Chris Horne paused and looked at Mielke.

"So..." said Horne. "Given the nature of the work, that's probably an open carry permit we'd be discussing, then?"

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Commissioner buys City of Ridgefield, insists it's just because he "likes ridges"

Clark County commissioner and motion-control enthusiast David Madore yesterday announced that he has purchased the City of Ridgefield, near Clark County's northern boundary.

"We're in escrow," he said, "and I have no doubt it will all be confirmed soon."

Madore insisted that he did not buy the town because his fellow commissioner Steve Stuart is getting a job there.

"Oh?" asked Madore. "Are they hiring? I didn't realize. I just really love ridges. I'm a ridges guy. And a fields guy. I just love ridges and fields."

Stuart, who recently announced that he would not be running for re-election, is a finalist for Ridgefield's city manager job. Taking the job now, before his term expires, means that commissioners will appoint a replacement to fill the vacancy.

"We have the majority," said commissioner and revenge enthusiast Tom Mielke, "So I'm not really worried about who we have to appoint." He shrugged and moved in closer. "You want to know the truth?" he asked, patting his left flank. "I'm kind of hoping we can appoint my gun, Sweet Sugar. I've started letting her make all the decisions."

Horrified county employees backed out of the room as Madore leaned over to ease Mielke's hand back down on to the desk.

"I'm sure we'll appoint someone great," said Madore. "A real champion for the people, just like all of the positions we appoint."

He tapped his fingers on the desk and asked "If we can talk about Ridgefield again. I'm just so excited about this. I love when I get new things; I feel like a kid on Christmas Day. I can't tell you how much I look forward to reviewing the hiring decisions in my new town, moving the buildings around to make shapes I like, and seeing all the happy people scurry through the streets."

Asked how he felt about Madore's recent purchase, Stuart grunted and started paging through Craigslist want ads on his phone.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

State Democrats Reclassify Interstate Bridge as a Beef Product, Hope for Recall

After a massive meat recall that affected three retailers in Clark County, state legislators held an emergency meeting to discuss new ideas about the Interstate Bridge.

Working into the wee hours of the morning, Democratic state legislators emerged from a windowless room on Tuesday with a new plan. 

"A plan," said Rep. Jim Moeller, "that's so crazy it just might work."

Calling in a few favors and distracting Sen. Don Benton (R-KFC) by telling him there was a camera crew waiting for him in a different building, Southwest Washington legislators convinced their colleagues in Olympia to reclassify the current Interstate Bridge.

As of 7am today, the Interstate Bridge is considered a beef product.

"You know that saying about politics being like sausage?" asked Sen. Annette Cleveland. "How you don't want to see it being made? Well, we took that a little more literally, and I think we got a great result."

The move is risky, affirmed Rep. Moeller. "We're relying on the idea that federal and state regulations have gotten so bad that the recall isn't over, and more meat will turn out to be contaminated."

He rubbed his chin. "Our hope is that, within a few months, more meat will be tainted. Then we can just get the whole bridge recalled.

"At this point, it's probably the only way we can get a new one built."